Bobby Rock

The Bobby Rock Newsletter #90 (12-26-22) - Holiday Spectacular Edition: Huge Personal Announcement & Understanding Hallmark Christmas Movies

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Season's Greetings, my friends - 

Welcome back and thanks for being here. We have an extra-special holiday edition for you guys today with a decidedly different twist than usual. And, we have opted to wait until after the busy holiday weekend to publish, so here we go! 

• Special Announcement: For those of you who know me well, you will not see this announcement coming!
  
  
• Understanding Hallmark Christmas Movies: Yes, this is probably an unusual topic to cover in the BR Newsletter, and you may be wondering why the hell I’ve decided to go down the rabbit hole of trying to describe my relationship to, and observations of, this genre of film. (Hey, I wonder the same!) But let’s do it anyway...
  
  
• Season’s Greetings, 1987-style: Found this old holiday throwback pic deep in the vault: from a special Vinnie Vincent Invasion photo shoot… 35 years ago!

Now, let’s dive right into some big news...

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Special Announcement

I’m gonna be a father!

Yes, friends, it is with great joy that my girl, Kari Wahlgren, and I announce the impending arrival of our baby boy next month—with a due date two days after our four-year anniversary. This was completely unplanned, and we were pretty stunned to discover what our May trip to Italy had yielded (beyond some really great memories). But, we are super-stoked with this new development in our lives and look forward to being the best parents we can be.

And what about my age for being a first-time dad? Hey… I say, 59 is the new 40! I feel up for it. 

Look at my boy’s beautiful, kind, talented, and intelligent momma! Damn...

More soon...

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Understanding Hallmark Christmas Movies

While out on a road run with Lita Ford several years back, I was sitting alone in a hotel lobby somewhere in the midwest, waiting to head out to soundcheck. It was mid-December, and the lobby had been transformed into a veritable winter wonderland, as a sizable Christmas tree and an explosion of “Yuletide" decorations gleamed, blinked, and sparkled all around me. A large flat-screen TV was mounted above a fireplace, and I was slowly drawn into the movie that was playing on it. It appeared to be some kind of Christmas-themed film set in some kind of Anytown, USA city, with its quaint town center decorated not unlike the very lobby I sat in. No problemo. I’m a Christmas guy at heart, so I figured I could hang for a minute.

As the movie carried on, I was pulled into the storyline, which, as I recall, involved a good-hearted woman, torn between her tight-ass investment banker of a boyfriend and some quirky, creative good-ol’-boy who she clearly preferred, But… well… there were complications. (Aren’t there always?) Soon, the rom-com cliches began to compound and compile to such a degree, I honestly began to wonder if I was watching some kind of parody of a holiday movie, or if this was legit. In any case, it sure was entertaining, and as I realized this was seriously a thing, it captivated me in a way that I still have trouble fully articulating. 

Still… I had to know how it ended. I mean, it was clear how it was going to end, but I wanted to see exactly how they would craft the inevitable: when all hope is lost, she eighty-sixes the business guy and, against all odds, winds up with the quirky guy. More than that, though, I was interested in the mindset of the writers and directors, and the (presumably?) women who watched this stuff. Hey, no judgment here... just a little “Venus & Mars” curiosity. I mean, what the actual fuck is to be derived from this genre of film? I wondered.

Just then, my bandmates began to converge on the scene and it was time to get in the awaiting van outside. But I took note of the familiar greeting card logo in the corner of the screen and off we went. I was determined to revisit this phenomenon asap.

And so it was that my Hallmark Christmas Movie obsession began.

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When people hear that I am a little preoccupied with Hallmark Christmas flicks, they often presume I’m kidding. But truly, I find the whole genre fascinating. In the years since my “baptism by fireplace” in that hotel lobby, I have logged some serious hours scoping these films… every Christmas season, and even during “Christmas in July” where, you got it: these motherfuckers play Christmas movies around the clock in the heat of the summer!

Initially, my rule-to-self was that I had to at least be logging-in some hours on the practice pad as I watched so as to not completely waste that precious time. And I have continued this tradition to some degree—although, from time to time, it is not beyond me to get the popcorn poppin’ and treat a Hallmark Christmas movie as a special viewing occasion all its own.

But Again… Why?

I’ve always found it interesting to examine any pop culture phenomenon from a socio-psychological viewpoint and observe what itch is being scratched for the viewer—or, essentially, what longings are being satiated via all of the signature conventions that are going down in said genre. With Hallmark Christmas films, the conventions feel extremely foreign to me, and the lifestyles, traditions, protocols, interests, and motivating forces of virtually every character in these films is so much my polar opposite, it is strangely enthralling to immerse myself in “the Hallmark Way:” to have a vicarious experience of a world that has been bleached clean of any real adversity, edginess, grit, suffering, darkness, or high-stakes losses. This is a landscape where it all works out for a change, goddamnit! The good folks always win in the end and, hell, even the “villains" (of which there are very few) get off pretty easy. 

Beyond that, it’s the subtext of the storylines that has me most interested. When Superman defeats the bad guys, it’s simply a heightened variation on the everyday trials and tribulations we all face in our daily “Hero’s Journey” (albeit much more interesting to watch). Hallmark is essentially offering the same here: a more warm and fuzzy depiction of love relationships, blanketed in the nostalgia, sentiment, and cozy comfort of one of our most beloved holidays. And it does all this in the context of certainty, predictability, and consistency. You know what you’re gonna get when you crack open a Hallmark film, and this is not such a bad thing given the unpredictability of life in the modern age.

Field Notes from the Wintery Trenches

As a result of my diligent study of these films, for better or worse, I now fancy myself as somewhat of a default expert on the genre. (Perhaps not my greatest achievement in life, but it’s something!) In addition to the original scenario described above—good woman opts out of a relationship with stereotypical biz guy to go with the more salt-of-the-earth type—here are a couple more of the most common big-picture themes I’ve seen recycled through multiple variations of these films:

• The successful, business-minded woman who “has it all”—except for a partner because she’s so busy with her career—finds her dream man in the unlikely form of a simple, earnest guy whose slight anti-materialism leanings prove healthy for her.
  
  
• The sassy, hard-working woman becomes entangled with a work-obsessed go-getter—with a good heart lurking beneath the layers—and makes him see what’s really important in life (family, love relationships, etc). This theme will often get the “royal treatment,” as it can literally involve a prince from some fictitious European country. Often, she will initially be unaware of his stature, thus inadvertently treating the pesky royal like a peasant (which then further endears her to him).

Here are a couple common themes for leading men:

• The mega-ambitious guy gives all his attention to his work, at the expense of family or a loved one. And then, he meets a sweet, unassuming woman who influences more substantive priorities.
  
  
• As a mirror scenario of a female theme, the pleasant, unassuming guy falls for a woman saddled with emotional wounds and various complications. In the end, he shows her what’s most important in life. 
  

Yes, I know I’m speaking in the most primitive of boy/girl, venus/mars platitudes here, as I highlight cliches about gender preference.  But this is what makes it all so joyfully pedestrian! In a world where gender stereotypes and sexual identities are all co-mingling in an ever-evolving expansion of normality, our friends at Hallmark are sticking close to the script of what many in our beloved mainstream still wish to watch play out. 

But even Hallmark has expanded on this over the past two seasons. Read on!

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Things You Might Expect to See in a Hallmark Christmas Movie:

When we talk about conventions, we are, of course, referring to those predictable attributes that are shuffled around from film to film in varying ways. Here are a few you will often see multiple times:

Deceased Parent(s): One of the two main love interest characters will have at least one deceased parent. This is presumably to magnify their inherent longing for family, thus raising the stakes on the new relationship working out.

The Unexpected Moment of Chemistry: There is always a barely-concealed moment of attraction that happens when the two love interests initially find themselves in close proximity for some reason, like decorating a tree, for instance. This is followed by an awkward moment of embarrassment and overwhelm, as if they are so surprised by this “lightning strike” of attraction that they must recoil back into a safer, more platonic territory of denial—at least for the immediate. This sets the stage for the inevitable first-kiss scenario. Which leads us to…

The Interrupted First Kiss: With alarming predictability, when our two protagonists finally ease in for that magical first kiss, they will almost always get interrupted, further delaying the tension-release moment of satiation for the viewer.

“Speechless" Street Vendors: The aspiring couple will often encounter a street vendor as they walk around some kind of outdoor setting, usually to get some roasted chestnuts (or similar). And while they will thank the vendor, and the vendor might acknowledge their gesture, he won’t actually speak! This is undoubtedly because speaking roles require a notably higher rate-of-pay for the actor, and Hallmark clearly has a budget to adhere to. (I also recall seeing this phenomenon with a bartender in one film, and a trucker in another, but you get the idea. These roles are “speechless!")

The Interrupted Moment of Truth: If one character is hiding something significant from another—or if they have something important to reveal to the other—that confessional moment is also often interrupted, thus setting the stage for a deeper web of “deceit" or misunderstanding that brings more conflict to the storyline.

The Grand Entrance: The female protagonist enters a room, usually via a majestic staircase, wearing a stunning dress, at a “high-stakes” social gathering, and everyone gazes at her—spellbound.

Engaging Tradition: One of several Christmas traditions is always tidily interwoven into the film: Snowball fights, Christmas cookie decorating, going to select a tree, or ice-skating, are among the most common. These activities, of course, reinforce the holiday theme, but they also provide a situational impetus to move the plot along.

Blatantly-Strategic Diversity in Casting: While it appears that Hallmark has always catered to somewhat of a “white-washed” audience, for as long as I’ve been watching, they routinely include a bit of ethnic diversity in specific casting. The Black boss, the Asian assistant or best friend, the Hispanic or Middle-eastern co-worker and, more recently, the openly gay couple. In fact, here lately, we are finally starting to see more diversity in the lead role casting. (You can do it, Hallmark!)

Product placement: This is when an arrangement is struck between a film production company and a product manufacturer to feature said product “organically” within the flow of shooting a scene, as a subtle, “subconscious" form of advertising. The great thing? In Hallmark-Land, it is fortunately not so subtle at all. (Folgers has been one of the biggest offenders of this brand of advertising and it is so great!)

A screenshot from an actual movie!

Childhood Reflection: There will almost always be a scene where one of the love interests shares a memory of their past… a “When I was a little girl, my grandmother always used to…” kind of thing. This is certainly not exclusive to Hallmark, but it appears to be a reliable ingredient in their formula, in an effort to bring depth and relatability to the characters.

Bizarre Travel Schedules: There will often be impending travel plans either on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day thus creating tension and urgency around the love interests being able to hang for the big day. Spoiler Alert: It always works out!

The Jane Austen Factor: As a blatant shout-out to writer Jane Austen, the Hallmark Christmas writers are not bashful about integrating several of Austen’s signature monikers as character's first or last names, with “Darcy" and “Bennett" turning up in several films… whose titles are often a play on Pride and Prejudice or Sense and Sensibility. This happens less often than some of these other conventions, but it’s worth noticing.

The Misunderstanding: There is often a moment where, after everything has been going so well, a simple misunderstanding takes place, and key presumptions are assumed, without any further discussion. This complicates the plot. Example: one of the love interests will see the other in a cozy situation with someone else, often an ex, and presume their loyalties and interests are elsewhere. This, of course, causes a bittersweet derailment to the relationship, with the innocent party now confused at how cold the other one (who misunderstood) has gone. But don’t fear: the misunderstanding will be resolved in the final moments. Which leads us to...

The Ultra-Fast Wrap-up: Hallmark generally does not fuck around when it comes to delivering the super-concise bow-tie ending and moving on to the quick credit roll. Final resolutions and the movie-ending kiss almost always take place at :58 or :59… and then we are on to the next movie straight away, without any commercials! In fact, if you've ever recorded a Hallmark flick, be careful: At the beginning of your recording, you will almost always catch the tail-end of the previous movie, thus revealing how that one ends. (Uncool, Hallmark!)

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If you are still reading, thanks for indulging me. 

If you haven’t seen a Hallmark Christmas film… go scope a few. They will play right up until January 1, and then you will be shit out of luck—until the heat of summer for the "Christmas in July" run!

How can something so wrong, ultimately be so right?

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Holiday Throwback

It was fall of ’87, and the Vinnie Vincent Invasion had just done photos for our upcoming All Systems Go release, which would hit the following May. Someone had the idea that we could get some advanced promo on the record over the holidays if we did a few snaps with a Christmas theme. And so… this pic was born. 

It became a postcard that was blasted out to radio stations and record stores around the globe. The good ol’ days, indeed...

Happy Holidays, everyone!

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Thanks again, everybody. Connect next week!

Until then,

BR

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